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I'M A FMD & PROUD OF IT!
Written by: Craig Shelton
Date Posted: 08-24-2010
Recently, I've been writing blogs complaining of some local sports talk radio hosts and their lack of football knowledge. For example, I've been openly critical of Sports Radio 610's Josh Innes' "goofy fat boy routine" and his on-air attempts at stand up comedy. Camouflaged within the mist of my current surge of sports talk radio discontent are my tainted, apathetic views, primarily fueled by poor choices of content that's being delivered by talent ill-equipped to deliver said content effectively. Well, I've come to an impasse over this dilemma and I feel it's time that I step up and come clean with my sudden realization.
CALL IT WHAT IT IS?
When I hosted "The Sunday Night Block Party" on S/R 610, I led each show by saying: "It is what it T.I. Is"! Today, that is a phrase that is applicable to the overall tone of the confirmation of what I intend to share with the HMW readers. "It is what it T.I., is and what is" is a truly sad admission by me if I have to say so myself, folks.
Okay people, you've waited long enough, so hear it is. I, Craig Shelton, am a "FOOTBALL MAN DIVA" or FMD! I am, seriously. Diva, Diva, Diva, Diva!! There I said it! I'm a damned Football Diva! You can laugh, you may even consider recommending that my man-card status be rescinded, that is understandable.
I have to be totally honest in saying, I'm a freakin' football season "grinch" that needs to get a grip, geeezzzzz!! I got pissed off at the neighborhood Timmy Chan's (wings & rice) because I overheard the cooks talking about freakin' soccer while preparing that legendary mouth watering greasy-ass fried chicken! WTF?! I began yelling at the cooks to get the hell outta my damned country talking soccer during football season in Texas!
ROCKING THE CLUB SCENE! (THE FREAKS COME OUT AT NITE)
Being a Football Man Diva (FMD) and a native Texan, you kinda go through life with a certain air of self-entitlement. Football Diva status even makes you feel as though you have "balla" status in the clubs. Yea right, that works. Just try buying a shorty you just met in the club a $200 bottle of sparkle & then attempt to pay for it with a "don't you know me" blast or the "just start a tab on my NFL Football Diva card" take? Right, once they scrape your ass up off the club's dance floor and bring you to your senses, you may want to slide Yazir the bartender your Chase Visa before your face is reintroduced to the dance floor by two kattz named Hammer & Bones. Ouch!!
Hopefully, you have yourself together by the time the valet pulls up in what looks like your Scion (at least to you, through you're swollen, puffy, scared eyes), but is actually some OG's slab (that's a really nice ride for the hip hop street lingo impaired) who's about to put a 9mm in you're face as he drags you from "his" slab and slams you and your Football Diva demeanor to the parking lot concrete. Ouch!!!
FORGIVE US JESUS? (FOOTBALL THAT IS)
I was arrested at church last Sunday after I went Terry Tate aka the Office Linebacker on the pastor during the highlight of his sermon. You see, I played a little ball myself in high school. Well, as you're all aware of, if you played any high school football at all, you're automatically qualified to go Terry Tate on any individual exhibiting a plus skills set when it comes to lateral footwork. Well, when my pastor starts with the all too predictable "rain dance" (that all black ministers seem to remarkably go to at the same point in "all" their sermons), I get "spring drills" flashbacks and go Terry Tate on anything moving! Ouch!!!
GIVE ME WHAT I WANT!!
When I turn on the radio in football season, I'm like some freakin' grouchy ass ex-rapper turned blogger and entertainment media critic. I mean folks c'mon, I'm really ridiculous with this whole Diva thing. The moment I turn on the radio, I proceed to complain about any content I hear that's not related to football. I mean, I don't want to hear interviews of QBs bringing awareness to breast cancer. HELL NO! What I'd rather hear is breast cancer patients talking football and preaching perseverance to the Texans. Yeeeeeaaaa!!!
Hell folks, in my twisted world of Football Man Divaism, I believe women should want me mainly because of my Football Man Diva status, and of course my lesbian status as well.
It seems to me the Feds would issue vehicle stickers for Football Man Divas that would alert cops that the vehicle swerving lane to lane in front of them is exonerated from their "street legal" scrutiny due to his Football Man Diva status?
It seems natural that employers would acknowledge an in-service day (PAID) to allow for observance of gods blessings upon the earth in the form of Football Man Divas?
There's no reason for fueling stations to ever charge a FMD 2010 gas prices, but instead FMDs should cap out at 1960 gas prices. Hell, my thinking is, with all of their meaningful contributions to society, it's the least we can do right?
There's an inherited swagga that comes with FMD status and it rivals the "juice" that any hip hop artist's "street cred" could ever stand up to. Plain and simple "tha streetz" love you when you're a FMD! Women love you and men want to be you when you walk in the room and walk passed them and they read the infamous "FMD" embroidered on your dark leather jacket.
FMDs are the bomb, folks! I mean, FMDs don't need sex, sex needs FMD's approval to maintain its "cool" status among men.
Here's a few things that will be advanced in you're lifestyle if you're fortunate enough to become a FMD:
10. You're children's grades will improve.
9. You'll never pay taxes again.
8. Your boss will give you a raise (everyday)
7. God will pray for you himself to assure you a place in heaven.
6. You eat "free" at Timmy Chan's for your lifetime.
5. Women will pay you child support, even if they don't know you.
4. Even the Astros will win if you grace Minute Maid Park with your divine presence in an MLB stadium (they don't have to reply & that's a FMD major sin...sorry)
3. The President will change tax laws to custom fit your earnings (or lack thereof)
2. T Pac & Biggie will return for one last feature on your new Mixtape entitled "FMD 4 LIFE BEEIIIICH"!
1. No member of HMW will ever write negatively about you in a blog ever again.
Here's a few places you're always welcome as a FMD:
10. The Press Box at any NFL stadium (in the off season that is)
9. The Texans teams cheerleader's captain's dorm room (when the girl are on the road of course)
8. Compton, California
7. 5th Ward Texas
6. The Middle East
5. Any Country Clubs & Strip Clubs. (Unless you're black, then omit the obvious)
4. Any swimming pool with Brad in Spring Branch taking a bath in it.
3. Mike In DA's home (watch out for his wife though)
2. That little bitty smallish room where S/R 610 hides its fired black host memorabilia in.
1. The vault Dylan Gwinn keeps all the stolen old "air checks" of The Sunday Nite Block Party!
Signed: Get @ me unless there's really no "honor among thieves" Dylan?
Here's one place FMDs are NEVER, EVER welcome:
1. Soccer games
HMW WILL EXPOSE A "MIGHTY" PHONY!
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